Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings - Funniest Quotations

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannise their teachers.
- Socrates

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
- Ralph Bus

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
- Will Rogers

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Spike Milligan

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
- Brendan Behan

Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
- George Bernard Shaw

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
- Will Rogers

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
- Henny Youngman

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
- Woody Allen