Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings - Funniest Quotations

When I came back to Dublin I was court marshaled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
- Brendan Behan

When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Ireland.
- J. P. Dunleavy, The Ginger Man

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.
- Attributed to Mark Twain, but not found in his works

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
- Woody Allen

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is.
- Oscar Wilde

When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
- Mae West

When the President does it, that means it's not illegal.
- Richard Nixon

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
- Mae West

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
- Charles Caleb Colton