There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
- Bob Phillips

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Woody Allen

There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes, you know he is crooked.
- Groucho Marx

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
- Salvador Dali

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
- Hugh Leonard

There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.
- Will Rogers

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
- George Burns

There's no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
- Brendan Behan

There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
- Bart Simpson