Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
- Woody Allen

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives.
- Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
- Groucho Marx

Operator, give me the number for 911!
- Homer Simpson

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.
- Oscar Wilde

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
- Groucho Marx