My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
- US President Ronald Reagan, during radio microphone test

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
- Groucho Marx

My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to negotiate.
- Saddam Hussein, to US troops who captured him in a hole in the ground near Tikrit

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
- Woody Allen

My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.
- Winston Churchill

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
- Les Dawson

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
- Jack Benny