Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings - Funniest Quotations

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
- Woody Allen

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
- David Brent

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
- Homer Simpson

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day, and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
- Homer Simpson

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
- Mae West

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Woody Allen