Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
- Mae West

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
- Spike Milligan

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.
- Jerome K. Jerome

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
- Woody Allen

It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
- George Bernard Shaw

It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.
- Oscar Wilde

It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one's enemies. It is the successes of one's friends that are hard to bear.
- Oscar Wilde

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
- George Burns

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- Joan Rivers

It's better to be looked over than overlooked.
- Mae West