Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings - Funniest Quotations

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
- Woody Allen

I'm tired, send one of them home.
- Mae West, when told there were 10 men waiting to meet her in her dressing-room

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minute of my life.
- George Best

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
- Oscar Wilde

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
- Will Rogers

Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
- Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
- Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
- Woody Allen