If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
- Woody Allen

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- John Wayne

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
- David Brent

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
- David Brent

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
- George Burns

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
- George Burns

I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen

I'm not normally a religious man, but... if you're up there, save me, Superman!
- Homer Simpson