Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings - Funniest Quotations

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
- Woody Allen

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
- Woody Allen

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.
- David Brent

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen

I used to be Snow White…but I drifted.
- Mae West

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
- Homer Simpson

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.
- Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
- Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Woody Allen