Funny Quotes - Funny Sayings - Funniest Quotations

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
- Mark Twain

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
- Woody Allen

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
- Ronald Knox

A hard man is good to find.
- Mae West

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
- Mae West

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
- Mae West

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
- Sam Goldwyn